This was originally posted on Social Media on May 7, 2022, but I wanted to move it over to the blog to keep everything in one place. Later this week, I’ll write my reflections on Mother’s Day 2023.
I’ve had a complicated relationship with Mother’s Day over the past seven or so years.
For the first handful of those years I struggled with infertility. I longed to be able to get pregnant and start our family.
Mother’s Day weekend 2017 was when I experienced my IVF first pregnancy loss.
Mother’s Day 2018 we were expecting our sweet Birdie Babe. She was due on May 29 and I was being closely monitored because she wasn’t growing as expected. I was simultaneously overjoyed and terrified.
Mother’s Day 2019 we were preparing to expand our family while also searching for the root of Birdie’s developmental delays. We ultimately decided to postpone trying to expand our family so that we could give Birdie everything that she needed.
Mother’s Day 2020 I was in the midst of an IVF cycle that resulted in the first of two pregnancy losses that summer.
Mother’s Day 2021 I found out that I was pregnant with the baby that would become Joseph. I was terrified and I kept waiting for something to go “wrong”. I assumed that the something that went wrong would be losing Joseph; the thought of losing Birdie never crossed my mind.
There aren’t really words to describe this year. The joy of Joseph, who is here and seemingly healthy, and the pain and longing for our sweet Birdie. The joy of Joseph does not diminish the sorrow of losing Rosalie.
I’m working to help my brain understand that a child that I grew in my body and gave birth to is no longer on Earth – it’s hard to wrap my mind around the reality that has become my life.
In some ways it feels like the universe “owes” me after everything we endured to have our family, but sadly that’s not the way the universe works.
With that said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how lucky I am to have an incredible Mom. She’s unfailing in her support and encouragement and I’d be lost without her.
To all of the people out there who have a complicated relationship with Mother’s Day, I see you and I’m holding space for you 💜